Considering we give our phones far more facetime than our friends, partners and likely, even our bosses, you’re probably solid in your thumb action. However, there comes a point in every relationship (or um, arrangement) where general digital chatting gets steamy and becomes sexting. As sexual educator Hunter Riley explains, there’s no one-right-way to send an x-rated message, photo or meme to someone, but there are plenty of ways to take it too far — or not far enough. This makes crafting your enticing sexts a bit tricky and something that may take practice. If you aren’t a writer by nature, you’re in luck: these sexperts have advice on how to up your sexting game with effective — and ahem, hot! — example to get you going. (Or should we say, the recipient going?)
First things first: why sexting sucks sometimes.
And no, we don’t mean like that — yet, anyway. Maybe you aren’t the type of person who wants to have on a full-on exchange detailing exactly where you’d like to be touched and what you’d like to do to someone else — and that’s okay. “Sexting can look a lot of different ways, and not everyone does it the same way. You might find that there are certain elements of sexting that you love, while some you don’t like as much,” Riley explains.
When you first contemplate turning up the heat, Riley suggests asking yourself some questions that will dig into your intent and what your expectations are for sexting. Some things to think about may be: Do you like sending ‘dirty talk’ texts to you partner? Do you want to share explicit gifs or memes with them? Do you want to take pictures of yourself and send it to them?
Another way to get past the initial shock of sexting is to put on your wordsmith hat. Even though certified sex coach, sexologist and author Gigi Engle says most people are better at doing sexual things than describing them — your sex life can actually get more intense when you build up the heat. You can start by well, thinking about having sex. Or being caressed or kissed. Then, you can scribble down what you specifically like about each situation, which creates great notes to lead off for first sext.
No matter if you want to go from G to XXX, or you just want to be a little enticing to your partner before you see him or her, these examples will build your connection and hopefully, make your under-the-sheets action that much better.
“Hey, I’m really enjoying flirting with you over text, how would you feel about us sexting by doing X Y Z?”
First thing first: consent is necessary. You never want to send a suggestive message to someone who hasn’t asked for one. If you’re interested in being intimate via your smartphones, open up the lines of communication to ensure you’re on the same page. “
“Talk to your partner about boundaries and limits. What words do they love to read in a steamy message? What words do they hate reading?,” Hunter suggests. “Once you and your partner talk about your goals and fantasies, it will get a bit easier. It also gets easier with practice.”
“I can’t wait to…”
After a busy week, you and your number one are finally spending a Friday night together. Or, you’ve been so busy between taking care of your kids and managing your work responsibilities that you can’t even remember the last time you were intimate. Life often gets in the way of romance but when you know you’ll have some (much needed) 1:1 time with someone you can’t wait to see naked, Riley suggests letting him or her know just how much you have missed ‘em — and how you intend to show them.
“I can’t wait to see you tonight and rub my hands all over your amazing body. I want to kiss every inch of you… and maybe more ;D “ is a great way to express yourself.
What you want.
… what you really, really want. And hey, we can’t put that into words for you, sadly. Think about what you really want to do the next time you’re gettin’ jiggy with your partner. Doggy style? A 69 sesh? A long, drawn-out, foreplay-heavy evening together? Whatever it is, go for it, says sex expert and comedian Billy Procida. As he puts it: being sexy is sexy — and trying to be sexy can make you feel embarrassed. So give yourself permission to step far outside of that comfort zone and get real with your desires. “Even the hottest woman at the gym gets uncomfortable with sexting sometimes. To be good at sexting, you first need to let go of that embarrassment and be willing to look a little ridiculous. Sexting is a little ridiculous,” he reassures.
“Remember when you…”
Though everyone has a visual reel of the encounters that really, really turned ‘em on, how often do you let your partner know just how often you reflect on it? Or how much you appreciate when they do certain things to your body? Engle says a sext like “I can’t stop thinking about all of those things you did to me…” will not only make your partner feel great… but it’ll make them want to do it again ASAP! “Beginning with a memory gives you leeway to move the conversation into more explicit descriptions of the night before,” Engle continues. “This is a good technique to use when you’re not sure what to say. You just describe stuff that actually happened.”
Get creative with body parts…
Much like when you submitted English papers in college, a Thesaurus is your best friend (and secret weapon) with sexting. As Procida puts it, the words ‘cock’ and ‘pussy’ get a bit distracting when you repeat them over and over. It also takes away from the appeal of intimacy, since it can start to feel overtly raw or dirty. Here, a few other words you can use, according to Procida:
- Penis: cock, dick, rod, member, bulge, hard-on, manhood (paired well with ‘growing’), shaft. Boner is only acceptable if you are still taking algebra.
- Vulva/Vagina parts: pussy, cunt, slit, snatch, womanhood, lips, clit, bean. Avoid: cavity.
- Bonus adjectives: throbbing, sopping.
“I’m thinking of you…”
Sure, it may feel a little staged but there’s definitely some benefit to imagery. We often get turned on with our eyes — and of course, our ears — and the more you can put your partner in the right mindset of what’s to come (no pun intended), the more enjoyable your night will be. “Try taking a sexy picture of yourself in the bath, or after you get out the shower with a thoughtfully placed towel, or fully nude if you’re feeling adventurous,” Riley recommends. You can also send a little message along with it that says something like: “I’m thinking of you and feeling sexy. Can’t wait to see you naked soon!”
“I want to be inside of you.”
Or, “I can feel my hard cock inside of you and I’m so turned on.” The truth is, sex is an instinct and sometimes there’s no point in beating around a bush or playing coy. Engle says they’re a sexual power and prowess to be found in saying exactly what you want — and being confident in your desires. This X-rated approach probably isn’t the smartest route to take right out of the gate, but when you’ve been going at it for a while, it can be a hot interlude. “You’re going for a description of something graphic to get your partner’s juices flowing. From here you can go into a back and forth on all the things you want to do to each other,” she explains.